If Only this Could Have a Good Title
by MamaJude
Summary: My super-amazing-kawaii desu story about the logical crossover between Kuroshitsuji, Ouran, Vampire Knight, Harry Potter, and Hetalia. What will Ciel do when he's lost his butler and a wizard is searching for him? Contains crack, yaoi, and fail.


WARNING. This story is making fun of illogical crossovers with no reason behind the continuity errors and with OOC coming out the ears. Please don't take this to heart/take offense in this if you write crossovers, it's nothing against anyone personal just a general thing xD This story is also just something I'm using to break writer's block. xD I don't own any of the characters/books/animes/etc. that may be mentioned in this story.

Marked as Kuroshitsuji and Ouran because those are the first two to show up, though this also contains: Vampire Knight, Harry Potter, and Hetalia. THIS IS CRACK, but it isn't written in my typical humor style. It's more of practice for my more serious writing.

/

A long time ago, in a universe far, far away there lived some random anime characters that I, the narrator, decided to screw with the minds of. And thus a crossover between epic tales- those of Sebastian Michaelis and Ciel Phantomhive, the students of Ouran Academy, Canada, the vampires of Cross Academy, and Harry Potter the Fullmetal Alchemist- was born.

Somehow, someway, the space-time continuum was messed up so badly that it was possible for these stories to intertwine. And so begins this fanfic...

"Welcome to the Host Club!" Tamaki cheered, flailing his arms dramatically in a gesture towards the other handsome men standing behind him, donning Victorian-style costumes. "Oh, perhaps you're the new student? Ciel Phantomhive, correct?"

The blue-gray haired boy sighed, muttering to himself impatiently. "Apparently even this place isn't quiet... honestly, what's wrong with this place?"

"What was that?" He jumped as the twins popped up on either side of him, each with raised eyebrows.

"So, you're not here..."

"...to see the Host Club then?" Hikaru finished for his brother, as though it was perfectly normal for two people to be so perfectly in synch.

"No, of course not!"

Hunny and Mori joined them as well. "Do you want to hold my Usa-chan?" the childish boy offered, holding out his pink stuffed rabbit. Ciel opened his mouth to speak, but he was cut off.

"Ah, so this is Earl Phantomhive." He looked up at Kyoya, who had walked up behind Tamaki with Haruhi beside him. "Head of the Funtom toy and candy company in England. He is also known as "The Queen's Guard-Dog", and he has had his hand at solving many mysterious crimes in London. A noteworthy being the supposedly unsolved Jack the Ripper case. Though it's a bit odd," he paused, fixing his glasses and checking his clipboard. "My sources say that on August 26, 1886 he was reported _dead_."

Everyone stared in amazement and fear, except of course the three more 'apathetic' members. "But wait, how is that possible?" Haruhi wondered out loud.

"G-g-g-g-GHOST! DON'T WORRY HARUHI, DADDY WILL SAVE YOU!"

She didn't seemed phased at all. "Sempai..."

Meanwhile, at Cross Academy...

"Headmaster, what is the meaning of this?" Zero demanded, pounding his fist on the desk. "First vampires, and now _grim reapers_?"

The headmaster calmly took a sip of tea, fanning his face comically as he set the cup down. "Why not? Don't they deserve to receive an education too?"

The silver-haired boy didn't seem convinced, but with a sigh he gave up. "Alright, then could you please explain to him the concept of a dress code?"

He gestured towards a slightly disgusted-looking Grell Sutcliff, who was currently wearing the female Night Class uniform. "Um... Oh, my... Mr. Sutcliff, I recall giving you the correct uniform when you enrolled here."

"Yes, but I look much better in this, don't I?" He laughed, posing and blowing a kiss.

"But you're not a girl."

"It's not my fault I was born into the wrong body!" he retorted, his attempt at sounding feminine resulting in his voice cracking at the peak of his excitement.

"Very well. Then carry on." The blond man took another sip of his tea, and Zero once more slammed his hand against the desk, this time resulting in it cracking in half.

The Shinigami flinched, blushing and smiling. The vampire wasn't impressed, tossing the most evil look he could. "Oh my! You're so cruel~!" he cooed, squeezing his face like a hyper fangirl. "It just makes my skin crawl with excitement~!"

"You're disgusting." Without another word the disciplinary committee member took his leave.

"Oh my! There are so many fine men here at this school!"

"Ah, yes. But please, try not to cause any trouble."

A devilish smile came across the red-haired reaper's face and he showed his sharklike teeth. "I'll try my very hardest."

Meanwhile, at Hogwarts...

"Harry Potter..." Dumbledore muttered, stroking his beard. "The time has come for you to prove yourself as both a wizard and an alchemist. Now, bring me Ciel Phantomhive."

"Ciel Phantomhive?"

The old man nodded. "He is a demon, currently attending a school called Ouran Academy in Japan. Oh, and take _this_ with you as well," he added as he gestured towards a mysterious box beside his desk.

/Ouran/

"I'm not a ghost!" Ciel protested, narrowing his blue eyes. For a moment the host club members swore that they flashed red. "I'm a demon."

"A DEMON?" Tamaki screamed, hiding behind Kyoya. "NO! THAT CAN'T BE TRUE!"

The twins shrugged. "Nekozawa probably got to him," they said fluently in synch.

"Well, this could prove to be intriguing. Perhaps you'd be interested in joining our host club?"

Ciel shook his head. "I have no desire to do anything like that. In fact I'm only at this school to find someone."

"To find someone?" Haruhi asked.

"Sebastian Michaelis, if I'm not mistaken?"

The boy stared almost awestruck at the clipboard carrying student. "You're quite knowledgeable. You wouldn't happen to know where I could find this man, would you?"

"No, I'm afraid not."

"Great... You people are no help at all to me, then."

He turned to leave, stopped by the 'king' placing a hand on his shoulder. "Wait! We'd be more than happy to help you!"

"I don't need your help."

"Please, don't be like that!"

The demon closed his eyes, thinking for a moment before finally giving in with a sigh. "Fine. What can you possibly do for me?"

"Well, I'm glad you asked. You're from England, so you probably don't know your way around Japan very well! So we can help you search for your friend! Kyoya-"

"He's not my friend," Ciel said quickly, cutting him off. "He's my butler."

"Huh?" Tamaki scratched his head. "Alright then... But in any case, Kyoya's family has their own private task force, I'm sure they could find him!"

The blue-haired demon smiled, almost sadistically, muttering to himself, "You people have no idea just who it is you're looking for."

/Cross/

"Oh my~!" Grell said in a singsong voice as he laid his emerald-and-golden eyes upon the dignified young man sitting near the window. He skipped closer to have a better look, causing the vampire to cast him a disgusted glance. "And who-are-you?"

"Isn't it traditonal for the new student to introduce themselves to the class?" he replied, closing the book he had been reading dramatically and looking up at the crimson reaper.

"So cold~~!" he shivered, wrapping his arms around himself. "Like my Sebas-chan~."

Kuran narrowed his eyes. "Just what exactly are you?"

"Oh?" Grell raised an eyebrow. "I'm a reaper of course. So mind your place, vampire." He looked over at the rest of the class, who had gathered in the room and taken their seats, all staring at the strange newcomer. "Such a beautiful display of men~! I don't know which one I like best! Hello, boys!" he said louder, waving flirtatiously to the group. With slightly less enthusiasm he added, "and the rest of you."

Kaname stood up straight, staring at his subordinates. "This is Mr. Grell Sutcliff. He will be joining our class starting today."

"Not "Mr.", "miss"," the Shinigami corrected indignantly.

/Ouran/

Ciel took his seat in the class, his eye turning red briefly with irritation. The teacher was glaring at him with disgust from the front of the room, fixing his glasses with the yardstick he had been using to point to locations on the map. As soon as the bell rang the demon got up to leave, quickly stopped by the instructor as the other students made their way out of the classroom. "Honestly... what is a demon doing here?"

"And what business does a reaper have disguised as a teacher?" the boy retorted.

"That is classified information."

It was then that the window shattered, a cloud of dust and rubble engulfing the room.

/Elsewhere/

"I'm impressed, young master. You managed to avoid this for much longer than I had expected. Now then... I must find _him..._"

/Ouran/

"Ciel Phantomhive?" a godly voice uttered from amidst the chaos. The grim reaper stared in awe at the figure as the dirt settled, pulling out his death scythe despite his state of shock.

"Who are you?" Ciel raised his eyebrow and fixed his eyes on the boy scarred with a lightning-bolt shape on his forehead.

"I am the Fullmetal Alchemist, Harry Potter. And this," he added, pointing behind himself with the hand he held a wand in at another young man who had joined them, "is Canada."

"Canada?"

"Yes."

"And why are you here?" the demon asked crossly.

"I'm here to collect you."

/Cross/

"So," Grell muttered, leaning against the doorway to the headmaster's office. Kaien sat at his desk, with Kaname standing in front of him. "How long do you plan to disguise yourselves?" he asked them.

Mr. Cross smiled, lifting up the wand he had sitting on his desk and flicking it, transforming slowly into a wizened old wizard with a long white beard. The vampire sighed, removing the wig he wore and putting on glasses, as well as a long silver and red pole stamped with the words "DEATH SCYTHE".

/Ouran/

Harry began to speak, tossing a spell towards the demon who dodged backward, stumbling into something.

The headmaster of the academy stood behind him, a stern expression on his face as it began to change into that of Dumbledore.

"Professor Dumbledore?" Harry asked, eyes widened with shock.

"Father?" Ciel turned around to see Tamaki staring into the destroyed remnants of the classroom in horror.

It was then that great wizard spoke, his cheerful voice booming throughout the room. "Young master. It's been too long indeed. And of course, you too Canada. I apologize for putting you into that box."

The wrinkles of his face began to fade and slowly Ciel realized that standing before him was none other than his butler, Sebastian Michaelis.

"Sebastian...? But... why? How?"

Canada tackled the demon-butler, embracing him tightly and kissing him. Sebastian grinned, a satisfied glint in his eyes.

AN./ Wishing that made sense, aren't you? Sadly I've seen stuff with this quality of a plot... worse writing too, for the most part. Like, no freaking capital letters at the beginning of a sentence. And no punctuation. And fragments like crazy. And I sound like an infuriated English teacher, but it bugs me that people who should know English choose to disregard it completely.

Anyway, in case you didn't get it- This is a crack story. Cross Academy had NOTHING to do with the plot. Kaname was William, Mister Cross was Dumbledor. The headmaster of Ouran was also Dumbledore. Sebastian was Dumbledore. Basically Dumbledore was like an almightly god, and Harry was his emissary who claimed the name of Fullmetal Alchemist because clearly it was relevant to the story and had to be done. And the rest of the Host Club? UNIMPORTANT. Ciel joining them was pointless.

XD This could've been longer if I really felt like it, but killing people's characters this badly should only be done in moderation xD


End file.
